Sanctum Sanctorum.

Sanctum Sanctorum.

Here I am again, to the place  that has ultimately have become the graveyard of my emotions.

These past couple of weeks have been a struggle. That feeling of void that something is missing from who I am is at it again.

I have been scrutinizing and over analyzing my self again, it's a force of habit, sometimes does good but most of the time just drags me and makes me realize that I am a mediocre in everything that I do.

I wish to move on, I know I can do things.

I have come to realize that I am not worth keeping. I feel that I am the only one that keeps on holding on the friendships that I have. I may be wrong but that is how I feel.

A friend told me that I am selfish and much dominant, he may be right but I try my best not to be.

Am I on my way to self destruction and is this the way that I want things to end for my self, out on the gutter.

My plans for the future still is pending, it seems too hard to execute. No one wants to help me thinking I am crazy and too ambitious.

I have this habit of analyzing my self am I good, am I bad, am I too much for someone to stick with?

I guess the point of this post is that I am tired. I am tired of trying to fit in and pleasing people to stick with me and be my friend. Is it too damn hard to find someone who will accept me for who I am? the quirks and obscurities, my idiosyncrasies and peculiarity? I feel that in the end, ultimately, I will be alone.

No one have really seen who I really am, sometimes I even think that I haven't seen the real me to keep the people I care for close, but I am too tired now.

I feel that I am slowly withdrawing my self from society. Started with me deactivating my Facebook, the social glue that binds me and my friends and acquaintances by a thread.  but it seem that a part of me keep on struggling trying to fight finding my self creating accounts that are androgynous.

I hope that I can find my wings again before I come completely crashing down.

My Travel Blog

Hello!
Thanks for dropping by.
If you are looking for my travel blog please head to 

www.brownmantrips.com

cheers!

Pag-asa

sino ka ba para umasa?
sino ka ba para tuparin nya ang mga pangakong
walang laman na katotohanan?
sino ka ba?

Panandalian, pamatid uhaw, pangkalang sa kumakalam
na damdamin.
Ikaw, oo ikaw! Ikaw na buong puso at buong tapat na nagbigay pagpapahalaga
umaasa.

umaasa sa salitang binitiwan tulad ng tayo, kasama at wagas na paulit ulit mong sinasambit
hanggang maililok sa aking puso't isip.

Paano na?
Tapos ka na, Tapos ka na sa pangagnalingan ng pakiramdam na di ka nagiisa, na ikaw ay mahalaga.
Tapos ka na, at eto ako nagiisa.
naglilinis ng naglalawa na damdamin na di kayang saluhin ng pusong nagiisa.

Simula na.
Ito na marahil ang hudyat na dapat ako ay maglakbay na.
Papalayo sa trahedya ng gyera at guho ng pusong umaasa, umasa, aasa.
tama na.

How Dare You Make Me Fall For You




Sometimes, Sorry is the most painful word that you'd hear


When there's nothing more to say, when there's nothing more that can be done.
When everything comes crashing down.
When you are not in control, not the one in command.

How dare you make me fall for you.
Make me cross that horizon that darkness embraces, that I can't see what is beyond

Right when I was about to take that step that I dare not to take,
you push back and tell me that you didn't mean a word you said.

I know that I am broken.
But Honey I'll get over this.
Honey I know I'll bounce.
Honey, I'll bounce.  

Remembering What I Learned From Friends

When I was younger I often watch American TV shows. My favorite shows are Melrose Place - until mom prohibited me from watching it because of some well a lot of scenes, Beverly Hills 90210, Baywatch and of course who didn't watch, FRIENDS.

I was amazed how these group of people live in a place without their parents or relatives but just their friends. I figured out that they were around thirty-ish year old guys, I mean they have a job and can stand on their own, they seem to be stable so I guess 30 is a good figure.

And oh yeah, this made me want to live in New York before.

I romanticized with the possibility of me living alone without anyone just me and my house, my own rules with no oppositions. I can do whatever I can.

This I remember earlier this day. Thank God for letting me remember.

source

should have spent more time trying to be famous... LOL
see my TV appearance here
For the past few years I got the feeling of my life has gone no where because of a broken relationship that was the foundation of my plans. A wife, my kid, those white picket fences, that big red door and a swing hanging up on the tree in my yard. I was feeling I am too old to start a new, but FRIENDS reminded me that I am wrong. I am just starting my life.

I realized that I grew up and matured way too fast, got too serious too soon. Not that I am saying that it is bad nor that I regret it, but it was the reason why I missed a lot of things that I could have done with my hands clean.

Maybe I should have balanced my future plans and my right now plans. I falter on the latter, I just thought of tomorrow, when I was at my right now. The result, I didn't live a life on my right now moments and when my future plans crumbled, nothing was to lived for at all. Devastated, I had to start back at 1.


or maybe explored the world some more! maybe ill write another post about my should have beens :)

But then again, FRIENDS told me that life begins at 30 (at least that is what I percieve), when you should have the most freedom that you can get, the time that you have enough strength yet responsible enough with your adventures in life. It is a time that you can be who you want to be and are.

This is life as I want it to be, no need to rush.

Words For The Young (and I mean like you 20 plus year old kids)


I guess the best thing that I have learned is to balance your future plans and how you live your life at the moment. Be thrifty but do not deprive your selves. Reward your selves, do the things that you can do, do not delay. Then again, prepare for the rainy days. Invest -should have learned this earlier in life, don't just save.

Don't be afraid to play.

Today I start my life again. with a new mindset, a new view in life.

Life is how you want to see it.

This is me now.

Recognizing my Humanity

it's okay to feel sad, angry, cheated or whatever that it is you feel, I tell my self. They are emotions, they make you human , without emotions you are just an animal or maybe even just an insect.

Today I recognized my humanity. I stayed quite and think. I feel - sad, angry and alone.

In the end it will only be me who will stand for me in times of trouble just as how it always happens.

have i forgotten how to feel loved or have i ever felt it before, do I even know how it is. A different kind of love.

The Past And The Future

Today, I stand in the middle of the past and future. The year that was and the year that will be.

Looking back I thank the Lord of the massive ways that he has shown how he moves in my life. How he tells that I am here, do not be afraid. He has manifested his presence in so many ways this year things that changes at the nick of time, that only he can do.

I thanks God for letting me travel with family and friends. The experience is truly priceless, from Dad's first trip abroad, an island getaway with friends and secluded beach escape with office mates.

I thank God for giving the chance to work again and validate that I can still do it.

I thank God for my Family.

This year may not be perfect just like any year that would come but we must make sure that we make the most out of it.

2015 is going to be my year for valuing my self and preparing for long term goals.

I aim to shoot more weddings and practice my photography more than ever.
I am to buy a good computer for editing, a backup camera and other things that I need to shoot better.
I aim to save money for my US Trip.
I am to lose weight and become fit.(wag magreact for health reasons ito... ang hirap na kaya huminga)

Lastly, Travel.

Travel may be the last priority for me this 2015 as it will be my prep year for an epic travel across the continental North and Central America.

How about you? What are your plans?