waking up crying.

Just the other day, I dreamed about her again.

I was working on some paper works and when I was about to go out of that office's door I saw her waiting through the glass window.

The moment I saw her I started crying, then she went up to me and started hugging and kissing me in the head.

When I woke up I was still crying.

I am in so much pain right now. I cant bear this. We were physically apart but now she wont even talk to me because of reasons that I don't know and she wont even tell.

Lord help me.

selfish and selfless.

Have you ever woke up one day then suddenly you are all alone? I did... my heart aches every single day and not a single day passes without crying. I have gone to point where I want to end it all this is too much to bear.

Now I asked where the hell is good karma? I have done everything that I could and yet she thinks that its not enough. she left me for her dreams, she said that her dreams are still to far to reach. I just don't understand what does that have to do with our relationship.

was I a burden? I supported her in her dream of going abroad all the way without a qualm. did everything for her yet she left me.

She said that I should go on with my dreams but how can I if in each and every dream that I have she's there?

The reason why I still work in the same old company struggling and making my self want it even if I don't was her, so that I could use my tenure as a proof that I would still comeback and secure a visa.

I am hanging here now wanting to hang my self.

and it seems like she doesn't care at all. all she want is to achieve her dreams even if she would hurt the person who supported her.

She doesn't seem to care that my life is ruined now as long as she gets hers.

paano na?

mamahalin kita kahit akoy nasasaktan. kahit mahirap. kahit akoy iyong iwanan
mamahalin kita magpakailan pa man.
ang kinakatakot ko lang ay magmahal ka na ng iba. di ko makakaya makita kang kasama ng iba. ikaw lang ang minahal ko ng lubusan.
bakit mo ako iniwan, di sinama sa mga pangarap mo. paano na ako?
bawat pagising ko sa umaga lumuluha aking mga mata nawala na ang pagasa na muli ay mayayakap ka. wala na ang pagasa na ako ay sasaya.


Pretending sometimes is good, not just for you but for everyone else. You pretend that everything is okay that everything is fine but its not.

You'd rather suffer than make things worst.

I was talking to a friend this morning after my shift and he reminded me about something that I posted on facebook. It was a music video by a group named Hangad. the song is Simeon's Canticle. He said that he cried when he was watching it.

I too cried when I first heard that song. But the music video said more about it. Finding your purpose in life is something that we should do. To know why do exist in this world.

Just hope that I could surpass this test that the Lord God had given me, I know I could he wouldn't give it to me if he knows that I wont be able to.

Holy Week Revival

So here I am trying to blog again. It has been a long hiatus for me and don't remember when was the last time that I wrote something for real.

Usually I go and visit churches during the holy week and do the station of the cross. But this year is not the usual. One thing is that we have work that Thursday so I was not able to go around and visit different churches.

I just decided to visit the nearest church from my office which is the EDSA Shrine. It is a church dedicated to the Our Lady of Peace for the peaceful EDSA revolution. I sat down on chair and felt the atmosphere in the church. It was so familiar for me and I missed it so much.

After a few minutes I then decided to go around and look for the parish store so I could buy a copy of the Way of the Cross booklet. I crossed the other side of the church and found that there's mass confession going on. And since I could not locate the parish store, and I think that there's none I just decided to see the priest.

The priests insights were really helpful and gave me the strength to get through at least with one of my problems.

I feel alone. My heart is broken as it sits half the world away.

felt really depressed about things not being the same way that it used to be. Its just not the same.....